I stepped on the scale this morning. I try not to even notice it exists in this house, but this morning I decided to step on it. Now I’m depressed. I gained weight. A LOT of weight. I think I was about 112 lbs at the beginning of the school year. Now I’m 118!!! No wonder none of my clothes are fitting right anymore. I want to get the weight off. But I don’t know how. I think I’m eating ok. I guess I’m not exercising enough. The Brat (former Brat, I guess) is so thin. She’s in sports and is so active. I wish I liked to play sports. Maybe I can start running. Maybe I’ll go do that in a little while. But what if someone sees me? Oh what the heck. Who cares. No one really even notices me. What’s the difference if I’m alone running and someone sees me. I just have to stop caring what other people think. I think that’s one of my biggest problems. It stops me from doing things. How come I know this stuff, but I still struggle with it? I wish D were around more so that I could run with her.

But she’s with her boyfriend during all of her spare time. I’m trying to give her her space and not be jealous. But I am jealous. I am. I want a boyfriend. I want to have the right clothes. I want my grades to be good enough to get into whatever college I want. I want to go away to college. I want to travel. I want to make new friends and go to parties. I want people to notice me and think I’m ok. Sometimes I think I’m ok. Sometimes I even like myself. But it’s hard to like myself very much when everyone around me seems to look at me funny and make fun of my clothes and my hairstyle, or when people just seem to ignore me entirely. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh………………………..

Ok, I need a plan about my weight. I’ll start with food, and add in some exercise. Maybe running. Or walking. Or maybe both, depending on how I feel. And if it’s lousy weather and I don’t feel like doing either, then I’ll try to do something indoors. Mom has some yoga DVD’s. I’m not sure I’m into that, but I know stretching is good for me. And I could do some crunches. Or, if The Former Brat would let me, maybe I could borrow her DDR. I’d even like to do it with her, if she’d let me, and if we have free time at the same time. Well, maybe I’d like to try it on my own for awhile first. I know I won’t be very tood at it. As for running or walking outdoors, I won’t worry about who sees me and when I’m wearing when I’m doing it. I don’t have the “right” sweats or shorts, but who cares, right? As for food, here’s what I’m thinking. Have a glass of OJ for breakfast. And maybe a banana. We always have a lot of bananas around here. Then I’ll have to bring something for lunch at school. Mostly I just bring PB&J’s on wheat bread. I could still do that. Gotta skip the cookies, brownies, etc., though. When I get home from school, I could eat an apple. Then for dinner, I’ll eat salads and maybe a little of whatever mom is making for dinner that night. I think I can do this. I like having a plan.