The Plan
I’ve been working The Plan for a week now, and I’m starting to feel like my clothes are fitting me better again. And on top of that, I bought a couple of new things – a new pair of jeans and a top – with my babysitting money. They look pretty good on me, I think. Too bad those are the ONLY clothes I like the looks of on me. And now I have to think about how to make my hair look better. If I had enough money, I’d go to the salon mom goes to. Well, maybe not THAT one. Maybe she could drive me to the one some of the girls at school go to. But I don’t want them to see me there. Not yet, anyway. Not until I have my whole look transformed!
That darned scale
I stepped on the scale this morning. I try not to even notice it exists in this house, but this morning I decided to step on it. Now I’m depressed. I gained weight. A LOT of weight. I think I was about 112 lbs at the beginning of the school year. Now I’m 118!!! No wonder none of my clothes are fitting right anymore. I want to get the weight off. But I don’t know how. I think I’m eating ok. I guess I’m not exercising enough. The Brat (former Brat, I guess) is so thin. She’s in sports and is so active. I wish I liked to play sports. Maybe I can start running. Maybe I’ll go do that in a little while. But what if someone sees me? Oh what the heck. Who cares. No one really even notices me. What’s the difference if I’m alone running and someone sees me. I just have to stop caring what other people think. I think that’s one of my biggest problems. It stops me from doing things. How come I know this stuff, but I still struggle with it? I wish D were around more so that I could run with her.
To Do Today
What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to do this year? How about what should I be doing today, Saturday…
I have to clean my room. It’s long overdue. I can’t see the floor anymore, and there is dust on everything. I’m feeling very closed in in here. I have so many old things that I don’t need anymore, but I seem to want to hold onto them for the future. Why? Not sure. Maybe I’ll have children of my own some day and they’ll want to play with some of these things.
The Brat
I used to call her that. My little sister. But lately, I think I’m wrong about that. I mean, yeah, she gets to do a lot of stuff that I never got away with, and somehow she seems to be surrounded by friends. She’s involved in all sorts of activities and is rarely around except to sleep and maybe lock herself in her room to do homework if she hasn’t already done it on the bus to and from travel soccer or in her free period in school. Since I don’t spend a lot of time with her anymore, I’m not even calling her “The Brat” much anymore. And maybe it’s because she’s not, anymore. Sometimes I wish I could be like her. No, sometimes I wish I could BE her. She seems really confident, and she keeps her grades up, and she sings really well, and she’s even great on stage in the school plays. I think she’ll be able to do anything she wants to do and be with any boy she wants to be as she goes through high school and college and whatever she does after that.
Spencer
Oh my gosh, baby Spencer is SO cute. And so much fun. He’s my little cousin, and he’s just the best. I got to babysit him over the weekend for an afternoon. He’s already walking and starting to say things. He loves to come up to be and put his hands on my cheeks and look right into my face with his adorable big blue eyes and say, “I wuv you!” Then he strokes my hair and says, “Pritty!” He’s gonna be a heartbreaker some day. Like HIM. Well, I think I’m finally getting over him. Well, not really. But I think I’m giving up hope that he’s ever going to talk to me or I’m ever going to talk to him.
Gramma
My Grandmother isn’t doing well today. I’m scared that she’s getting old and sick and won’t be around for too many more years. I want her to be with me on my wedding day, whenever that’s going to be. Sometimes she’s the only person I want to be with. After school, we watch soap operas together. One of the shows that I watch is one of the ones she’s been watching for years and years. Sometimes we eat popcorn together when we watch. Lately she’s been falling asleep after about 10 minutes of the show, and then she wakes up at commercials and gets all confused. Read the rest of this entry »
Feeling alone
I don’t know. I have friends. I have several of them. And my family is ok, except when my mother gets on my case or my little sister bugs me. I have some fun cousins. I love my baby cousin. So why do I feel so alone sometimes? I worry about what I’m going to do with my life. I wonder where I’ll live and if I’ll have a family of my own. Meanwhile, I have all this stupid math homework again tonight. I did ok on my test on Friday. I got a B. My teacher kept me after class to talk to me about my grade. He said I didn’t get it all right, but he could tell I understand a lot of it, so he gave me partial credit. Read the rest of this entry »
I hope I passed!
I took the test today. I don’t know if I passed. Maybe I did. If I didn’t, my mom is going to kill me. She asked me how I think I did. I feel really rotten about the way I responded. I think she really wants me to do well, but I just don’t like her asking all the time. I just want to be left alone sometimes. It feels like she’s always judging me, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. I just don’t want to talk to her. She says I don’t focus. But I DO focus. Just not on math. Maybe I passed. Read the rest of this entry »
He wasn’t there
Damn! He wasn’t in the stairwell today. He wasn’t even at school. I hope he’s ok. S said she heard he got really really sick. That means I probably won’t see him for the whole rest of the week! Ugh! How am I ever going to get my nerve up to talk to him if he’s not even there?
History sucked today. Another pop quiz. Why does she get off on giving out pop quizzes? I think she just wants an excuse to sit at her desk and not have to teach. I think she falls asleep behind those thick glasses. I wonder what she dreams about. I wonder if it’s all about history dates and facts, or if her dreams are more like mine. Maybe she dreams about when she was younger and liked a boy. I wonder if she was able to talk to boys more easily than I could. I wonder what she looked like. Was she pretty? Read the rest of this entry »
Stupid me
I can’t believe I did that. I’m SO stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I don’t want to be stupid anymore! When am I going to get over this and just talk to him? He was right there, right there looking at me. I froze. I looked like such an idiot. If his big goon friends weren’t there staring at me… What’s the word I’m looking for? Gawking. Why were they gawking at me? Most of the time they wouldn’t even notice me. I don’t look anything like C or A or K, the ones they all drool over. They never give me even a sideways glance, yet today they got really quiet and turned toward me and smirked. All of them. All but him. Was my hair sticking up? Read the rest of this entry »